Concritathon - Four Fear

[estepheia]

This is my public concritathon post in which I ask other participants of peasant_'s concritathon (and anyone else who feels like it) to leave their critique of Four Fear.

Part 1 & 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8a, Part 8b, Part 9, Part 10a, Part 10b, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13.

Anyone critiquing might be able to clear up doubt I have about the following:
- pacing
- characterisation (especially the original characters)
- POV (I switch a few times, which according to my creative writing books is totally legitimate if there's a good reason, as long as the reader does not get whiplash - but I had fear of POV changes instilled into me, so I'm not objective here)
- foreshadowing (too much? Not enough?)
- theme and metaphor (too much? too subtle?)
- is there an elegant way of making this a little leaner? Where do you perceive 'fat' in the story that needs trimming?
- should I cut down on dialogue tags?

Of course if anything else leaps off the page, good or bad, please tell me.
Thank you very much!

Also, does anyone on my flist feel like making a little banner and/or icon for this fic? I have a few pics... *looks hopeful*
Meanwhile, I shall endeavour to write concrit for others and I'll try to finish this story. Yup! *looks determined*

Comments

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

I enjoyed reading this, despite the fact that I don't like circuses!

Pacing:

I found the pace of the later chapters a bit relentlessly panicky – from when they start getting attacked in the caravan onwards. This may be due to the fact that we’re seeing it mostly from Xander’s POV, and he tends to panic a bit. I got frustrated at not seeing what it was that was chasing them – I think we need to be given a few glimpses – a scale or tentacle or huge hand or something - because it’s hard to be scared of something when you don’t really have anything to go on apart from the noise.

Characterisation

Xander voice is good – “Just like gym class… only worse” made me laugh. As did “Not enough swash, and way too much buckle”

Oz-voice also good and drily funny – “We could all be eaten by tigers”, and “There were no dinosaurs on the flyer” both seemed typical.

Jack sniffing the air – great! I thought his reaction to Madam Ruby seeing his burn marks was a tad extreme.

I found it hard to believe that Oz was hanging out with such a jerk as Jack, until his home problems were explained.

I was disappointed not to see more of Ethan.

The clown was good – nice contrast between his costume and his attitude, and the shoes!

I found Oz’s dad believable.

POV

Didn’t find any switches were obtrusive. I tend to feel that as the author, you’re entitled to tell us as much or as little of what each character is thinking as you want to.

Foreshadowing

I liked the moon like an enchanted silver coin – I love stuff like that, that reminds you of other Buffy-verse stuff if you’re paying attention to it!

The foreshadowing of Jesse’s early death was a good reminder of how precarious life is on the hellmouth

Theme/metaphor: The African wildlife theme was noticeable but not obtrusive – it seemed fitting.

“Fat”

I have to say, I found Madam Ruby irritating – possibly because I’d find her, and fortune tellers in general, irritating in real life – and I think the section in her caravan went on for a bit too long.

The description of how cramped it was, and how trapped Xander felt (especially his thoughts in the caravan toilet) could have been a bit shorter. Because I didn’t like Madam Ruby, I didn’t care that she’d fallen over, but the bit where she looks deformed because of the wig was funny.


Dialogue tags: I didn’t notice anything amiss with these.

Everything read very smoothly.

[estepheia.livejournal.com]

Thank you, for your comments. If it weren't for this sodding cold I would have long finished the story. The way things are now, it will take me at least another week. My schedule is frighteningly busy.

I will certainly bear your critique in mind when I revise the whole story. I want to have a snappier, crisper beginning, and I need to foreshadow a little more.

It's always good to get detailed feedback. Thanks for taking the time.

One of the reasons why the (African) creature remains invisible lies in the fact that the real monster is much more mundane: Jack's uncle is the true monster. He appears in the last chapter. He is not even spectacularly evil, he's just a very nasty man who takes out his frustrations on someone he ought to protect, a mere boy who's even part of his family. That's what the real monstrosity is.

There are other reasons why Xander never claps eyes on the monster (canon for instance, when the show starts he does not know that monsters exist), but the one above is the most important.

Thank you!

[trepkos.livejournal.com]

"I want to have a snappier, crisper beginning,"

I liked the beginning - it was good to let the main characters establish themselves. It was all the high-octane constant fear and chasing part that I found a little long, but then, I don't watch films like that either, so I think its just a matter of taste. I couldn't pick on any particular section where there was writing that was less than great. It was the high tempo there seemed a bit much of.
Maybe there could be some kind of subtle hint earlier on that the creature is not a true "monster", so that the brighter ones among us can say "Ah-Hah!" rather than feeling that it was a trick...

[estepheia.livejournal.com]

Oh I won't fundamentally change the beginning, I'll just tweak the opening sentences a little, cut out a vew weak verbs, that kind of thing.

The monster is quite real, and it's really quite dangerous, but part of the problem of being a kid is that you don't see the greater picture, that the imagination is much more powerful than reality, hence my decision to make the monster 'invisible'.

I will have to think about this some more. It's good to get a different point of view. :-)